Exploring My Inner Demons: A Journal Entry from Today’s Meditation

Meditation is my balance. It’s hard to fully articulate what it actually does for me, except that I am more awake and loving when I am doing it consistently. It’s both a maintenance practice, one that I need to do every day if possible to stay sane, and also a spiritual act that helps me become more present and grateful for life.

This morning I meditated for a half-hour and decided to write this after because I was more aware of the turbulence of my consciousness this morning. I used John Makransky’s benefactor meditations to get me started and then moved to a more traditional vipassana style meditation. I tried to be fully aware of the many sorts of thoughts and feelings that came up and will try to articulate some of them here.

Early in today’s meditation, I felt a sense of fear and sadness. I felt how much I wanted to avoid pain and rejection from the people I love, how much anger hurts me. There is an inner child deep down there that is closer to the surface. It is one that is easily pushed away by daily life. We all need armor to survive the scariness of existence. But most of us forgot or are not aware that we are wearing that armor. We start to identify with our armor, our personality, our ego. We think we are those things.